A Comprehensive Guide to noobs!
KeeNeR? Well, my first topic in years hehe
May be you guys/gals will have fun to read this.
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Table of contents
A. INTRO
I. What is this?
II. Defining 'Noob'
B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS
I. Noobish
II. Where to find noobs
III. Behavior of noobs
IV. Noob religion
V. More about noob habitats
C. AVOIDING NOOBS
I. Make sure you aren't one
II. Major noob avoiding strategies
A. INTRO
I. What is this?
This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is,
how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid
of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating
noobs.
II. Defining 'Noob'
Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same
thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it,
possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and
fix their errors to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little
and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them
and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their
own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared
to encounter them in the wild if needed.
Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and
it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.
* Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.
Top
B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS
I. Noobish
Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive
language, known as noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes
them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some
noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals
at hand.
stFU /\/\an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3
wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b
Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to
restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial
and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you,
possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive
tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent
accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some
simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard
repeatedly.
II. Where to find noobs
On the internet, noobs make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves,
usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions
and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to
be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully
be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before
they can make nests and larger colonies.
Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial
spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any point,
but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will
appear.
Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing
something specific.
III. Behavior of noobs
Since noobs are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The
most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish, which is why it
got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the
absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite agressive
and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid sucession
(the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).
It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they often attempt
to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually
result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst
each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.
Noobs have difficulty reading english and cannot comprehend the idea of authority.
Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way
to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority
tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an
apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by insulting
everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because
they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand
what is happening.
IV. Noob religion
Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they
worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and
signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like
calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with
their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising,
which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.
V. More about noob habitats
Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of
these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless
animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt
LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish.
They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31 affiliate buttons
replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing
a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid
because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to
its homepage. Simple as that.
Top
C. AVOIDING NOOBS
I. Make sure you aren't one
Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they
haven't already.
English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to
comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you
are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many available
online quizzes to check your noobancy.
Noobish (133713371337)-
Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD
ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check
4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos
gtg n00b suxx0rz ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337
II. Major noob avoiding strategies
The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum.
If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid noob
infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same
topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it.
Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part
of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll
probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to
become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish
extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without noob
infestations.
Creds to original author!
Ben Roth (aka Mocha Man)
drgames.2ya.com
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